I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
