You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
