I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
