I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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