And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
