batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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