I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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