my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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