Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
