my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
