very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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