Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
