Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
