grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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