Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
