maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
