you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize