I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My liver is preforming stress tests.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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