Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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