Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
