Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
