Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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