I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
