He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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