I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Found the puke drawer
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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