would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
