I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
