Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
