I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
