Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
