He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
