You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
