Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
