I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
