I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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