I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
