I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
