So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
