i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize