party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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