He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i think i have herpe
just one?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
