Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize