FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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