Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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