Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
