My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
