girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
