i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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