Need sex. Gaining weight.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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