im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
