You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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