Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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