So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
