Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
