i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
