my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
