y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
