I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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