hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
