i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
