Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
