Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
