Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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